Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
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ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
2022 be like
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
oh no, steve’s working tonight
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.