Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
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Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.