He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.