I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
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You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.