Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
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What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course