*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
anyone else like Italian cereal
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
listen closely
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad