[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
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The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫