GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
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I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.