If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
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I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”