If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
You Might Also Like
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous