[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
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Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
this is uni
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.