Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
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Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.