Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
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An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.