Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
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I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say