My birthstone is kidney
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Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”