I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
You Might Also Like
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.