If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
You Might Also Like
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review