Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day