My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
You Might Also Like
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“How’s your day going?”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways