familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
You Might Also Like
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
want me to check your oil?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.