cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
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motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
it must be school picture day
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year