[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
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Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.