Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
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No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame