[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
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Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.