When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
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[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.