lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
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[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
WWE is French for “yes”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
nice challenge
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.