Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
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Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
WHY would you be happy about this?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.