Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
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If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler