I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
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*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Rather alarming headline…
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school