sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
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Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Lassie, get help!
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.