My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
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Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor