Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
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guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
me irl
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”