wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
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Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else