INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
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Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
greetings!
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.