just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
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HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.