My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
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why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40