I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
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It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
#damn
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Is fructose made with real fruct?