Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
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And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?