I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
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Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth