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[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa