I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
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2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Trumpy Cat
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.