If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
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Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.