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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.