My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
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You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.