Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.