*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
How I like cutting carbs
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
bias laundering edition
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”