Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
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Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!