My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
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The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers