I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server