[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
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Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality